[04:21] Ending the sentence with "times normal" is a little strange; "thirtyfold", perhaps?
[06:41] Passive voice seems avoidable: "Nearby civilians came to the{her} rescue" and "Passers by fought off the beast" come to mind as two options.
[06:57] I think this needs to be "and", but I'm not sure why. Some sort of plurality agreement?
[08:27] "{would you }look who it is"?
[10:39] "show her face" would work pretty well here.
[04:21] Ending the sentence with "times normal" is a little strange; "thirtyfold", perhaps?
[06:41] Passive voice seems avoidable: "Nearby civilians came to the{her} rescue" and "Passers by fought off the beast" come to mind as two options.
[06:57] I think this needs to be "and", but I'm not sure why. Some sort of plurality agreement?
[08:27] "{would you }look who it is"?
[10:39] "show her face" would work pretty well here.